As of Today I am Nothing

I am nothing.

There, I said it, I have declared it, I am happy to shout it from the rooftops…

As of today, I AM NOTHING.

My last post began me thinking about how I have chosen to “define” myself. The internal conflict I felt then was about who I thought I was in the world versus how I was being reflected back to myself in my interactions with someone else. This morning, another random occurence had me questioning myself yet again. Kind of disturbed, I wrote and wrote and wrote about it in my journal. It started with how it was challenging to think of myself as one type of person only to find that when the rubber met the road, I made an unexpected and different choice.

The more I wrote the more I began to discover that it wasn’t my actions and my choices that were the issue.

Looking back at them, I honestly could not have seen myself react in any other way.  I could only support my choices made in the moment. So I asked, why were these feelings of dis-ease hanging on? Once again, I seemed to have brushed up against how I define myself.

I am this.

I am a person who likes that.

I am a person who does this but not that. We all walk through the world defining ourselves but does it really serve us or hold us back? Does it define us or confine us? I suspect that those definitions hold and confine me so I decided that as of today I am nothing beyond being Valerie.

I reserve the right to make choices in the moment that are right for me.

For example, I haven’t eaten meat in years but I won’t call myself vegetarian because one day I may decide chow down on a turkey burger.

Or I often tend to be quiet and hold back in groups of new people but I will no longer call myself an introvert because one day I may bust out in a song in front of a room filled with strangers.

I reserve the right to change and morph and grow at my own beautiful pace and for me, it feels like in declaring that I am nothing, I am free…

free to be everything.